The not recommended to read
25 Reasons Alcohol Should Be Served at Work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communication.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages car pooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
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...even the Borg deserve better than that!
Picard: Mr LaForge, did you have any success analyzing possible weaknesses of
the Borg? Mr. Data, were you able to hack into the command-structures of the Borg?
LaForge: Yes, we found an answer in our archives about the computer-technology
of the 20th century. (presses a key and a logo appears on the screen)
Rike (irritated): Who or what in gods name is "Micro$oft"?
Data (turns around to answer): Captain, please allow me to explain: We found a
program called "Windows" that, if sent through the command-structure of the Borg
would be able to use up all system-Resources with exponentially growing speed.
Picard: But wouldn't the Borg be able to adapt? Wouldn't they increase the speed
of their systems?
Data: Well, that is true, but the program "Windows" is able to detect this and
automatically installs a new, adapted version of itself, called an "upgrade".
This way, "Windows" is able to use up all system-resources much faster than the
Borg could add new resources. If my calculations are correct, "windows" will
eventually use up all system-resources, so that there is no resources left for
their normal operations.
Picard: Excellent work. This "Windows" seems to be better than the "Unsolvable
(15 minutes later)
Data: Captain, "Windows" has been installed successfully in the command-structure
of the Borg. As expected 85% of all system-resources were used up in a very
short time. We are, however, still waiting for the expected "upgrade".
laforge: The scanners show an increase in the system-resources of the Borg, but
we still have not received any sign of the "Upgrade", which would use up the
additional and remaining resources.
Picard: Mr. Data, go through our historical data and find out if we maybe
Data: Captain, I just found out why we were unable to detect an "upgrade". It
seems the Borg circumvented this part of our plan by not sending in the
Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Permission to introduce emergency-procedures...
LaForge: Wait, Captain. The percentage of free resources of the Borg just went
down to 0%!!
Picard: Mr. Data, what do the scanners show?
Data (studying the display): Apparently the Borg encountered an internal module
of "Windows" called "Solitaire", which uses up the remaining system resources.
Picard: Well, let's wait and see for how long this "Solitaire" can inhibit the
(2 hours later)
Riker: Mr. LaForge, what's the status of the Borg?
LaForge: As expected, the Borg are trying to adapt to the loss of System
Resources. I deployed a probe near the Borg cube which will download a new
"window" module from the so-called "Micro$oft-Funpack" into the command-structure
of the Borg.
Picard: How much time do we get with this?
Data: based on the current adaptation-rate, the Borg will regain complete
funcionality in 6 hours, 23 minutes and 33 seconds.
LaForge: Captain! the Scanners are showing another ship entering the sector!
Picard: Identify, Mr. Data.
Data: The ship entering the sector is unknown to the federation database -
however, their signature shows a perplexing similarity with the Micro$oft-Logo...
(over the channels)
THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP "MONOPOLY". WE HAVE
RECEIVED CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. YOU ARE ADVISED
TO HADN OVER ALL COPIES TO AVOID ADDITIONAL CONSEQUENCES. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS
TO FULFILL OUR REQUEST.
Data: The ship just opened their hatchets and deployed thousands of humanoid
Picard: On the Screen. Enlarge.
Riker: My God, these people are moving towards the Borg-Cube, without
oxygen-masks - how can they survive?
Data: I don't believe that these life forms are "people" commander. If you look
close, you will see that they are wearing suit-cases and Armani-Suits of the
late 20th century.
Riker and Picard (panicking): LAWYERS!!
LaForge: But that's impossible! The last few lawyers were shot into the sun
after the Great Awakening in 2017...
Data: That is correct - but it appears that some of survived.
Riker: They have surrounded the cube and are covering it with all kinds of
Data: I read in our archives about this behavior. it has been proven to be
fatal for more than 90% of the victims.
Riker: They are taking the Borg apart!
Picard: Mr. Data, turn off the screen. I can not watch such cruelty - even the
Borg deserve better than that!
-------The previous dialog was taken froom a newsgroup.-------
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So which condom would you use....?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M Condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condom: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condom: For friends and family Doublemint Condom: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
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The Washington Post
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply
a new definition.
Here are some recent winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it
was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
...and my personal favorite...
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
---This was courtesy of Linda, coworker of Echo Star (10/Mar/01)---
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Dog Letters To God
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell oneanother?
Where are their priorities?
When we get to Heaven, can we sit
on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Excuse me, but
why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the
stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a
cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have
its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human
hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Is it true that in Heaven,
dining room tables have on-ramps?
More meatballs, less spaghetti,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake
hands to get in?
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are,
will I have to apologize?
Is it true that dogs are not allowed
in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the
When my family eats dinner they always bless
their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast
when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?
dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns,
clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight
paths. What do humans understand?
-----This one was courtesy of Linda, cowworker at Echo Star-----
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Inexperienced Chili Taster
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be
selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in
sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at
the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call
came. I was assured by the other two judges and (Native Texans)that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it,
is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just
like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer
focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.
I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be
kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with
a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3.
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out
of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during
the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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MEN ARE LIKE...
MEN ARE LIKE...Floor Tiles,
if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
MEN ARE LIKE...Bank Accounts,
without a lot of money, they don't generate a lot of interest.
MEN ARE LIKE...Blenders,
you need one, but you're not quite sure why.
MEN ARE LIKE...Chocolate Bars,
sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
MEN ARE LIKE...Coffee,
the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.
MEN ARE LIKE...Commercials,
you can't believe a word they say.
MEN ARE LIKE...Computers,
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
MEN ARE LIKE...Coolers,
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
MEN ARE LIKE...Copiers,
you need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
MEN ARE LIKE...Curling Irons,
they're always hot and they're always in you hair.
MEN ARE LIKE...Cement,
after getting laid they take a long time to get hard.
MEN ARE LIKE...Government Bond,
they take so long to mature.
MEN ARE LIKE...Parking Spots,
the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.
MEN ARE LIKE...Popcorn,
they satisfy you, but only for a little while.
MEN ARE LIKE...Snow Storms,
you never know when they are coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will last.
MEN ARE LIKE...Bank Machines,
once they withdraw they lose interest.
MEN ARE LIKE...Bananas,
the older they get, the less firm they are.
MEN ARE LIKE...Newborn Babies,
they're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.
MEN ARE LIKE...Chinese Food,
they satisfy you for a little while and then you're soon hungry again.
MEN ARE LIKE...Laxatives,
they irritate the shit out of you.
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Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "may I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get in there."
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.'"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now."
14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggott."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
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